


Fever

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Left 4 Dead 2
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-11-10 00:35:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How *do* you pick up your life when you are one of the last 20% of the surviving population from Z-day. Is there such a thing as happily ever after?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away  
> If you can use some exotic booze  
> There's a bar in far Bombay  
> Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away  
> Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru  
> In llama land there's a one-man band  
> And he'll toot his flute for you  
> Come fly with me, let's take off in the blue  
> -Frank Sinatra

Loving is easy when you think you might be dead in the next moment, you just sorta follow your instinct and throw all caution in the wind. Because you never 'really' stop to think about the consequences. That is what happened to Ellis and I, or at least for me. It felt right, it felt perfect, it felt like I had finally found my way home in some twisted way, if we don't count the circumstances, Z-day and all. But maybe the world had to end for me to change my ways, or at least see the errors in my past. Looking back was something new for me. Did I love Ellis? I think I did, yeah I did, and I think I still do in some way. But I should perhaps rewind a little, we got rescued and flown to the evac centre, it wasn't exactly what I had had in mind, I don't know why I pictured the CEDA evac centre as nothing short of the garden of Eden, which it was not. It was just a ship, it was cold, cramped and I would have been miserable, was it not for Ellis at my side. And since none of us spoke out upon our arrival, we were located in different places, we did meet up, happy and relived that the nightmare seemed to be over. Were we ever wrong, the nightmare was just about to begin. We snuck down below by the engines where the noise made sure not a lot of people would be there, and made love. At least I like to think that is what it was, not that the sex was greater than other sex, or the orgasm was supernova, but it was the reluctance from the both of us to let go of that spiritual link, oh yeah, and the physical too. I just wanted to stay there for the rest of my life, listening to Ellis softly laughing under his panting as he tried to regain his breath, his heart beating like mad, just feeling like Siamese twins.

We were not Siamese twins, we weren't even close. We learned that when we suddenly had to get to know each other, like for real. I will never forget those forced conversations we had about nothing important. For other people it would be considered chit chat, but for me I got this sinking strange feeling, that we had nothing at all to talk about. Nothing at all in common. I told myself it was just me being a cynic, that we would be fine, we knew who we were. My mother always told me that love was not a sprint, it was a marathon, she would frown, and get this tired look to her face, bitter and worn, looking at my dad, and I knew it was not a marathon she cared to be a part of. This scared me for ages, I have been so afraid to suddenly wake up one day trapped like a little confused animal, or maybe with someone that I didn't even know any more, that I always stayed clear of 'serious' relations. And before I met Ellis, I lived for the chase and the sprint. And here I was, desperate to tell myself that we would make the long run, we had faced death and.. well yeah almost the extinction of mankind for fucks sake, and we would damn well suck it up, and gain some common ground.

I could see it in his eyes, I could hear it in his voice. He stopped talking about engines and comics, and I stopped trying to make him understand the rules of black jack. We stopped talking all together, and in the end all there was, was what we had when we were alone, when we fucked, no words were needed, and so that was what we did. Like we tried to hang on to something we both knew was futile. I don't really know if he got bored, or if he thought that I was just using him as a stress release, but I do remember how I felt when I saw him and that girl, Jackie, I still remember her name, that little bitch. I saw him smile, that little secret smile he had, and he caressed her cheek.. He caressed her gently goddamit! I felt like I couldn't breathe, like everything was sucked down into my abdomen, only to settle as a chaotic tingling pain. I never called him out on it, but I knew, I just knew our time was over, that we had served whatever purpose it was we had in each others lives. I just turned and walked away, not making a effort to contact Ellis again, and I can only come to the conclusion that he liked it that way, because he never did try and contact me, even if we were on the same ship for another month.

Later I transferred to another ship, I didn't leave a note, I just left. It made me feel like a coward, but on the other hand I was just not about to question the mutual silence, sometimes it's better to just run. And what did I get out of all this? Looking back, what pieces of Ellis did I take with me? I am not sure, but I know that things didn't really work out like I had planned them to, believe me, I tried everything. I cursed the world for not just swallowing me whole like everything else, why should I survive just to get this karma lesson or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be! I wallowed in self-pity for a while, and I tried to pick up where I left, telling myself something about spots on a cheetah, but it just didn't work. I still had my charms, I still had my poker-face and smooth tongue, but none of that helped that I felt like a black void inside, like I had safely tucked my heart into Ellis' pocket and left it there. But then again, a hustler without a heart is great at his game, right? Wrong! I couldn't even make my scams sound plausible, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even get with some faceless stranger and fuck it all away. And I hated Ellis for sucking the fun out of everything. I hated myself for doing what I promised myself as a boy that I never would, getting trapped in a marathon that wasn't my choice to run.

It took me the longest time to admit that I had been an idiot for not confronting Ellis when I had him right there, a deck below me. I had overwritten my instinct, and acted like I would have in the old days. And here I was, broke, miserable, and angry with myself for allowing myself to fall in love, for this feeling consumed everything else, it polluted me, until I wasn't sure what was me any more. One would think I knew, I was not the same man as before I met Ellis, screw z-day and the apocalypse or whatever the hell people said it was, there was a before and after Ellis.

I don't even know why I transferred back to the ship I had left two years earlier, maybe it was momentary insanity. But besides conning people out of the lifesavings, the only thing I was really good at was cooking, funny I know, and people would not take me for a good cook, but I am, and I have been told so on several occasions. So I thought I might as well pitch in for the greater good of the survivors community, and took up a job in the kitchen at the evac centre where I was at the time. Thinking that I would spend numbing hours on something else than staring at the walls, and plus I sorta hoped I would meet some people who'd take my mind off things.

It was with mixed feelings I now found myself in the harbour, seeing the damn ship out on the water, holding my ID card and transfer papers in my hand. "Sir?" A voice said, I blinked rapidly and turned towards the sound, shaking myself from my spell. "Yeah?"

"Your papers?" The soldier asked, smiling a friendly relaxed smile. I handed him my papers and ID, which he looked over with a very superior expression, and I was sure he didn't understand 90% of what the papers said. Finally he looked up at me, still smiling. "Very well, Mr.." He glanced down at the ID card.

"Nick will be fine." I said, snatching my ID back.

The soldier nodded, looking a little puzzled. "Okay, you just report over at building 102, I'll call ahead so they know you're coming."

I nodded, and looked out into the giant harbour area, building 102 huh? I saw building 14 and figured it would be tons of fun looking for bloody 102. "Straight ahead and then to your left, walk till the very end of the road!" The ID check-in soldier called behind me, apparently sensing my confusion. I turned halfway and smiled, "Thanks."

The soldier waved and smiled, "It happened to us all the first time we came here." He yelled, "Did you know that Evac station 26 is the..."

"I'm sure it's fascinating, but I gotta run." I groaned. Turning and walking in the direction he gave me.

I missed my white suit sometimes, like now when I found myself in the massive kitchen that supplied Evac station 26, dressed in the obligatory CEDA Health & Nutrition staff uniform, white and green. I fucking hate that uniform. It's not that it makes my ass look big or something, but because it annoys me that the CEDA top goes on and on, in the radio, in pamphlets, you name it, about how important it is not feel survivors guilt, but to give your hands to the commune, so we can build a new world in the ashes, or rather rotting decay, of the old. But how are we supposed to rebuild the world, dressed like something out of an 80ies sci-fi movie, the fucking lot of us. The only thing telling us apart was the color code on the suits. Somehow this was not how I imagined that finally reaching the safety that Rochelle and Coach gave their life for, would be like this.

There had been major outbreaks of bugs and cholera, all in the wake of way too many people being forced to live on very little space. This was the third world we knew from the telly, just alive and in the flesh, right here around me, just polished and chromed. I ran a hand through my hair that was slowly growing out again. When the doctors had realised they could not contain the common disease outbreaks amongst the survivors, they disinfected us instead, taking away all possible living conditions for lice, scabies, you name it.. all killed with a shaver, fumes and ointments.

"You got all that right?" The kitchen chef said next to me.

"Yup." I said smiling disarming, not having listened to a single word.

"Good," He said, "Now run along and find your bunk, just be back at four so we can start dinner."

"Will do." I said, shaking his hand. With the hand not holding mine, he handed me some papers and another ID card. "Be sure to give your old one to the desk jockeys up on command bridge." He said, smiling fatherly at me. "Promise." I said, nodding.

I didn't want to go back on the ship, I don't know man, I am not normally the sentimental type, I am not someone who misses my long lost brother when it rains on asphalt or something. Yet this damn ship just represented a period of my life I never cared to relive. Grabbing the bull by the horns I got into one of those smaller boats and left for the ship. On the trip there, I watched the ripples in the water, wondering what I was doing here, what was it I hoped to find? Truth was that I had asked for this transfer myself, and in all honesty I was beginning to doubt myself now that I was here. Was I hoping for Ellis to jump in my arms and elope out into the infested wastelands of what used to be towns, cities and villages? To get back what I felt I lost? I didn't even know if Ellis was still here, or if he even wanted to talk to me. And this was assuming he was still single. If that was my idea of a stellar plan, I needed to have a reality check, and I knew it. I laughed softly to myself at my own idiocracy, making some of the other passengers look worried at me. "What?" I asked still smiling, making them all look away. I reckon they were afraid I was crazy, because that had happened to quite a few people around here in the past. See people didn't really all deal well with shooting their spouse, mother or children, and some people just never got over it. I know for a fact there is a whole part of the ship way down in the bottom of it, that is holding the incurable crazy. I don't understand why they don't just put a bullet through their head, but then again, some parts of humanity might have survived, bollocks it had to be respect and co-existence.

Getting to the command bridge and back was the same old shit as the last place I was, they just took my old ID card and wrote something down, I reckon they like to keep a track of people, now that all you have is your name and a survivor number, social security id's died with civilization. And me? I am Nicholas E. Hayden 396-04092, Health and Nutrition team 3. Sounds fancy, but in reality I just make mashed potatoes and beans.


	2. Here's the day you hoped would never come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the day you hoped would never come  
> Don't feed me violins  
> Just run with me through rows of speeding cars.  
> The papercuts the cheating lovers  
> The coffee's never strong enough  
> i know you think it's more than just bad luck  
> -Imogen Heap

I didn't have any problems finding my bunk, i sat down and watched at the extra set of clothes exactly like the ones i wore that someone placed carefully folded on my bed. Next to the bunk was a cabinet with two rooms, activated with my ID card, i didn't have much to put in there, i had my rings, my cards and a silly candid photo of Rochelle, Coach and Ellis. I had taken that photo when we one day came across a camera, you know, one of those that instantly spit out the photos. For a moment i just stood there with the photo in my hand. Wow it seemed like a fucking lifetime ago, those three smiles had been real. Smiling myself i placed my small treasures in the locker and slammed it shut. Maybe it was a huge mistake to come here, maybe i should have let sleeping dogs lay.

The kitchen on the other hand was just as frantic as the one i was used to, under staffed and over worked, we tried to make dinner for the entire centre, i didn't really stop to think about that dinner service would attract everyone. I didn't really have time to think, and besides the stress of it, suited me fine. It was not till it was over i had time to think, had Ellis been there? He would have said something if he saw me, right? Or maybe he had just not been at the messhall?

Lost in thought i had not noticed someone else came and sat down next to me. "Congrats." he said, stirring me from my thoughts, i turned my head and stared directly at a young darkhaired man, with smiling brown eyes, trying to light up his cigaret in the wind.

"Er.." Came my very inteligent reply, i have a habit of being very well spoken when i'm faced with randomness. I must have looked like a complete fool, for the guy laughed softly. "For surviving the first day here in the kitchen." He said, and it was not untill now i noticed his uniform was a perfect match to mine. "Just like the real world, only with less guns." I said inhaling smoke, staring at the moonlit skies. "But thanks."

"So true." The guy said, "I'm Chris." He held out his hand, "From the rice/potato station." he laughed again. I decided that i liked his laugh, it reminded me of Rochelle's, light, merry and like pearls on a string.

"Nick." I mumbled, accepting his hand, shaking it. "I just came in today, so i am still on the peeling station."

"Could be worse, you could do the dishes." Chris said, also staring off into the skies.

"There's always that." I admitted. Oh lord, had i lost the ability to carry a normal conversation? Or was it just easier when you didn't want people to know you, perhaps it was just less effort to be friendly when you were insincere. I had told myself that i would not fuck things up here, i had to atleast see if Ellis was still here, otherwise it seems like i had come an awful long way for nothing. I could cheat people out of their money at home too.

"Can I ask you something personal?" Chris said, flashing me a pretty disarming smile, "You see the other guys here were just wondering.."

"I was transferred." I said, not wanting to talk about it, but i knew i had to offer some sorts of explanation that would satisfy these people. Last thing i wanted was to seem suspicious, which would only serve to isolate me completely, and should i not find Ellis, make my life very miserable untill i could transfer out again.

"That's what i said!" Chris exclaimed triumphant, "I told them that no one in their right mind would come to this shithole voluntarily."

"Yeah." I said, silently praising my pokerface. I decided to just jump ahead and answer his next question before he asked it, "I was just expendable, and you needed someone here in your kitchen, so i went where work was." I shrugged, "Beats being on the sanatation team."

"Where'd you transfer from?" Chris asked.

Should i answer this truthfully? for a moment i wondered if i should lie, but i didn't know how recourseful this 'Chris' was, "Evac centre Anchorage." I said with a tiny voice, feeling terribly awkward suddenly, maybe because i realised that i had maybe ran as far as humanly possible within the freaking continent. And the odds that this redneck moron had ever even heard of it was 1 to 10.

Chris whistled impressed. "Damn.." He looked me up and down, "You don't look it."

"Don't look what?" I said annoyed with his overly undestanding, bordering to patronizing tone.

He actually looked slightly embarassed, and shrugged, "Yanno.. like you're not from here.."

"Yeah i binned the fur trapper hat around Topeka." I said tossing the cigaret butt out into the dark.

"Sorry." Chris said, and to my surprise he sounded somewhat sincere. "I didn't mean it like that.. it's just that New Orleans is.."

"Far away, tell me about it." I huffed, and stood up with a sigh. "Look, i was just transferred, and i'm not complaining about it, besides that i think i know someone here, if i could only locate him. Atleast i think he's here." I congratulated myself on getting that in there somehow. Maybe this moron knew if Ellis was here, and it would save me a shit load of time finding him among all these people.

"Are you sure he's here?" Chris asked.

"I am." I said, pocketing my hands, not sure what to do with them. "Atleast last time i heard from him, he were. Not sure if he transferred out though." Chris seemed like he waited for me to continue, so i did. "His name is Ellis, i think he would be on a veichle maintenance team, if he's here."

Chris looked like something fell on his head, exited and deflated at the same time. "Ellis... What's his last name." Chris asked.

And grudingly i had to admit that i didn't know that. Ellis never told me his surname, or maybe he did and i didn't listen. "I don't know, but he's from Savanna, short fella, with a real funny accent." I said, feeling somewhat stupid, here i was trying to convince this guy that Ellis was a friend, and here i was knowing next to nothing about him.

"Wears a cap all the time?" Chris asked cautiosly. I nodded. "Yeah i know him." Chris then said, tossing his cigaret too as he stood up. He squinted his eyes suspiciously at me, "How do you know him?"

"Uhm.. He's just a friend." I said smiling warm, knowing i was lying through my teeth, but still it worried me that Chris was suddenly so defencive. "Actually he's more an aquaintance, but still.. i figured i'd find him to have, you know, a friendly face in the masses here."

Chris nodded. "Your name was Nick right?"

I nodded, not sure i liked this, and regretting ever mentioning Ellis.

But Chris smiled friendly again, and raked a hand through his hair, "I'll be sure to tell him later. Take care Nick." And with that he dissapperaed into the darkness, heading towards the ship. What the fuck just happened, i asked myself. If i had ever needed a drink it was now, or maybe if i had ever needed Rochelle it was now, she had a way of setting shit straight, and my mind was a mumbled, messy, chaos.

Eventually i did meet Ellis, but for the longest timeChris made some lame exuse for Ellis not showing up to say hi to his friend, all sorts of shit came up, and i wouldn't have been surprised if he had suddenly contracted Ebola so he couldn't come. I was strangely okay with it though, and one day started to eat the other, and the whole Ellis thing that had driven me here became secondary to just spending my time best i could, waiting for whatever to be overwith. I did think about transferring again, but i all i could think of was going back home, and well lets just say i didn't miss it all that much, plus i had this strange feeling of abandoning Ellis again, even if he didn't even wanna see me.

One evening as we were packing things up, i heard this girl i had learned to be Gail talk with Chris, she gave him something discretely, and whispered and giggled, Chris whispered back, and took the package and left quickly. Gail turned and looked at me, who for some reason tried very hard to pretend that i didn't see or hear anything. "Hayden." She said, insisting on using my last name, she must have been military before this, man. "You saw nothing." She added, stating the obvious, that i 'did' indeed see it.

"Sure." I said, continuing to pick up potato peels for compost. "Uhm Gail?" I said, much against my better judgement, "Exactly what didn't i see?"

Gail frowned, "Have you always been such a smartass Hayden?" She asked.

"Yup." I said with a nod and a smile. "Some people even call me fucking bastard."

"Alright." She sighed, comming closer, leaning against the sink, maybe to seem more intimate, friendly and whatever.. trying to make me believe i was her confidante, but honestly.. then women, there is just nothing new under the sun, they are all fucking alike in their game. "I gave Chris some leftovers." Gail admitted.

She and I both knew that it was a 'capitol' crime to steal from the CEDA, but still, why all the giggling? What were they? 12?

When i didn't say anything, she continued, "See Ellis really likes tomatoes, and when we have some left, i let him take them."

What did she just say? Ellis liked tomatoes? wait! rewind!

"You looked shocked, Hayden.." Gail stated.

And i am sure i did, if i could i would have scraped my jaw off the floor. There was no poker face in the world for this situation, absolutely no defence! "Uhm.."

Gail sighed, "Chris' boyfriend."

"Oh." Was all that i could manage to utter, trying very hard to look indifferent, but judging from Gail's expression, i failed miserably.

"What? got a problem with gays there Hayden?" She spat, "Do they threathen your vague masculinity or something?"

"Oh no.." I shook my head, "No problem here." I almost added, 'waddya mean vague' but i didn't. "I was just surprised."

"You can tell me that again." Gail laughed, "You look like i set fire to your favourite teddy."

Damn! Save it, dammit man, come up with something. "I just didn't know he was taken." I said trying hard to sound honest, knowing she would think i meant Chris, but i didn't.

"Oh. OH" Gail blushed, "I got it all wrong then, oh my, i'm sorry!" She laughed nervously, and i knew i had won the battle, but apparently lost the war. "I just assumed.. I mean.."

I smiled, "Just keep it between us, okay?"

Gail nodded. "I promise." She said, but i was sure i saw a light in her eyes that i did not care for, that light that women get when they set their mind to something, and i had a sinking feeling that Gail just got herself a project Nick Hayden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the subskriptions on , wow! i am utterly and truly flattered. Now i just hope i can live up to it and deliver. Well there is two reasons this chapter is so late, one, i got fallout new vegas, and i just had to obsess a little and play it through, and two, i debated with myself if i should continue in the first person style, admitted it's a more powerful way to write, but still... smut is almost impossible without just churning out clichés, i don't know man, i just have to go along with it and see where it takes me. Again, thanks for all the feedback, you ROCK! This is un-betaed


	3. I got a brand new pair of roller skates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rode my bicycle past your window last night  
> I roller skated to your door at daylight  
> It almost seems like you're avoiding me  
> I'm okay alone, but you got something I need
> 
> Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates  
> You got a brand new key  
> I think that we should get together and try them out you see
> 
> -Melanie.

Was I ever right, Gail did have a plan, instead of her usual frown, she would now smile at me, and sometimes she would touch my shoulder as she walked by, I hated it, seemed like she expressed sympathy, or pity. And then this one day she had walked about with this damn sly smile all day, whistling merry tunes, annoying the crap out of everyone, including me. And when it was my time for a break, I had to escape to the outdoors, with a cup of coffee and a cigaret. It was bliss until the door from the kitchen went up, and from the corner of my eye I saw Chris. Funny really, ever since that evening I had not been able to talk with him, all I could think of was that this is the man who.. Who, yeah was with Ellis instead of me, getting all that I had considered to be mine. And every time I saw Chris smile I was reminded that I had taken Ellis for granted, dunno, maybe I had thought that he would stay the same, like in a fucking timewarp. Never in a million years had I imagined that Ellis would go and find someone else. Guess the joke's on me.

"Nick." Chris said, sitting himself next to me casually.

"Chris." I mumbled, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Gail got plans for you, kiddo." Chris snickered.

I would have spurted out my coffee if I had had any left in my mouth. "What?"

Chris smiled again, and it was this damn sympathic smile like Gails. Godammit I hate it! Made me wanna shoot that fucker in the head with a shotgun and see how much he felt like touching my stuff and smiling at me at the same time. Asshole. "Yeah she said she had a surprise for you." Chris said, blissfully unaware of the images that flashed before my eyes of him and half his head missing.

"Woopti doo." I pouted, figuring she had maybe stashed some food or whatever.

Chris scooted closer and whispered. "She set you up on a blind date, mate."

I know I paled, I could feel the blood drain from my face, but my smirk was intact. "Come again?"

"She thought you looked so lonely, and said that you were going through some rough shit. So she had Ellis help her set you up." Chris said.

I could feel my eyes blink rapidly, Ellis had helped her pick out some looser for a date with me? How you must hate me God!

I must have groaned because Chris laughed "That's what I told her you'd say."

"What makes her think I need help with my love life?" I asked trying to sound less pathetic than I felt.

"Ellis told me about you." Chris said, never answering my question. And for the longest time I was silent, listening to the muffled sounds from the kitchen on the other side of the wall, and the occasional shot from the towers as they saw one of them zombies.

"Oh he did, did he?" I finally sighed.

Chris lit up in a smile much to my surprise, "Yeah man, he told me you were in the group with him, who got here all the way from Savannah on your own, shooting your way through all those zombie fucks outside." Chris touched my shoulder and squeezed it, "You're a fucking hero, you know that right?"

"Hardly." I said, still slightly baffled, I had thought that Ellis would tell Chris what a bastard I was, but apparently he had given Chris-darling the kiddie version. "But yeah, we came here from Savannah."

"I thought you were from up north." Chris said, puzzled.

"I am." I said, trying my hardest not to shrug his hand off me. "I was on a business trip when Z-day hit." Okay so it was not the truth, but not really a lie either.

Chris just nodded, and finally removed his hand. "Anyway, Nick." He looked straight at me, "I am just glad you brought him here in one piece."

"He's pretty handy with a rifle on his own, you know." I added sourly, actually then Ellis was the best shot of us all, but I supposed there was no reason in telling Chris that, if he wanted to believe that Ellis was a girl, be my guest. He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off, standing up ending our conversation abruptly. "Breaks over."

I had dreaded the moment when Gail would finally catch me alone, and honestly when the moment came, it didn't surprise me either. "Hayden." She said grabbing my arm, pulling me aside. "I want you to stay behind when the maintenance crew finish."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Chris already told me about your grand plan. And no thanks lady." I huffed, politely peeling her hand off my arm.

"Damn, it was supposed to be a secret." Gail whined. But then looked all serious. "Come on, I already arranged it, all you gotta do is show up."

"Look," I said with barely hidden annoyance, "I never.."

"Needed help with getting laid... blah blah.." Gail finished my sentence. "I can't stand looking at your pouty face, and I know just the thing to make you smile, I'm sure you are much prettier when you smile Nick Hayden."

For a long moment I just stared at her, that meddlesome, bothersome.. and a whole lot of other 'some' woman, "I don't pout. It's a fact."

"But you 'are' full of shit." Gail laughed. "Look just give it a chance, we tried hard to find someone that we thought would be just your type."

"We?" I asked.

"Yeah Chris, Ellis and I, I had to call in the troops on this one." She shrugged with a sweet smile, reminding me all too much of Rochelle.

"So you managed to find something with a heartbeat, no fur and legal?" I asked with a snarl, I didn't like this conversation one bit, made me feel belittled and pathetic.

"Aren't you the picky one?" Gail grinned, completely unphased by my sarcasm. As I said, women with a mission are scary shit.

With a sigh I caved in, "Okay I'll be there."

"Brilliant!" She clapped her hands, like some fucking retard. I guess she was pleased with herself or something.

I took a bath out of politeness, thinking that whomever poor soul they had roped into this, should not have to sit in the stench of the kitchen and eat. It wouldn't leave my mind that Ellis had helped out, was he that eager to hook me up with some random dude or chick or whatever sod they had found. All my negative thoughts was put to shame when I arrived though. Gail had really done a job, the mess hall's corner looked like a million, and there sat an absolutely very beautiful young man, smiling politely as I walked across the room. Even if there was absolutely no resemblance, he made me miss Coach something awful, funny really, since we weren't exactly close. Dunno, this bloke just looked like someone that Coach could have had on his team. "Hi." I said in lack of other stuff to say.

"Hi." He stood up and gave me his hand, "I'm Patches."

"Nick." I said shaking his hand. I sat there observing Patches as he spoke, wondering why Ellis would help pick out someone like him, I mean, Patches was cute, dimples and all. Was Ellis really 'that' over me and eager for me to move on? This was ridiculous, and I couldn't help but to feel I was taking the piss on that poor man on the other side of the table.

"Wonder where they got wine from." Patches mumbled, swirling the yellowish liquid that most of all looked like a very bad urine test.

"No idea." I said, poking my food, "Look Patches.. uhm.. "

"You don't have to say anything." Patches sighed, his expression deflated and tired. "When Ellis pointed you out, I knew it was pointless, but I had promised to come, and so I did." He smiled a tiny bloodless smile, "It was a nice meal though."

I frowned, there was just too much information in that sentence for me to process that fast. Ellis pointed me out? when? and why didn't I see him? "Wait a minute, what do you mean pointless?" I asked, keeping the Ellis bit to myself.

"That's pretty obvious ain't it?" Patches stated as he stood up.

I think I just stared at him completely floored. "What the fuck are you on about?" I felt sorry for the kid that he hadn't heard my criteria earlier, he sure as shit fit the bill of someone I'd get down with, there was just this tiny problem, he was not Ellis, not by a long shot.

"Don't." Patches held out his hand to stop me from talking, "Don't make this more awkward than it is."

I watched poor Patches hurry out of the room, never understanding why, but I could feel anger boiling deep inside, why the fuck did I let Gail talk me into this? All she accomplished was to humiliate both Patches and me. She couldn't very well blame me for that one, since I had no clue what it was I had done wrong. I re-played the conversation over and over in my head, but couldn't find anything that stood out, nothing that would make him sprint off like a 16 year old girl, asked to drop her panties on prom night. I tossed my napkin in anger on my half finished plate, I wasn't even hungry anymore, and I had had it with the nice-guy act. I just had to face that Ellis would rather rub me off on clearly disturbed men, than talk to me. "Fuck it!" I growled, first thing tomorrow I would go find whomever was in charge here and ask to be transferred back to Alaska, it sure as hell couldn't be worse to scrub latrines than this clusterfuck. I was just too old for this shit!

Come the next morning, I faked headache and fatigue, and stayed in bed. I just wanted this to go away. Well past midday I finally came to a conclusion, Ellis didn't want me here, and since he was the reason I was here, I should at least show him the courtesy of pissing off. I sat up and stuck my feet into my boots and grabbed my standard issue warm sweater, and slowly made my way to the deck. My steps was slow and wavering, some part of me didn't wanna leave, but another part just wanted it all to go away, like a little voice in my head that told me that I had been right all along, that I should never have come here. And who the fuck I thought I was, thinking that Ellis was just as pathetic as me.

Of course it had to be like this, at the moment I least expected it, or wanted it, there he was. I turned a corner on my way to the bridge, and found myself staring straight into the dark blue eyes I knew so well. Like hell I would give him the benefit of how he startled me, so I nodded at him acknowledging his presence and steered around him, walking on. I kept my stone face, but inwardly I wasn't sure if I wanted him to call my name, or if I wanted to kick his fucking teeth in.

"Nick?"

I shouldn't have stopped, I really shouldn't. But hearing him call for me was enough for my resolution to crumble. I turned around and looked at him with a polite smile. "Oh Ellis, I didn't see you." I lied.

Ellis squinted his eyes like he always did when he wasn't sure if you were feeding him crap. Which amused me, because I was obviously lying through my teeth. "So.." He scratched his elbow nervously.

"So?" I repeated, knowing he hated it.

"Have time for a coffee?" He asked, smiling vaguely.

Now there was a interesting turn of events, I had not expected him to reach out in any way. "Maybe." I said, loving to see him squirm.

"It's right in there..." Ellis said, stating the obvious since we stood right next to a vending machine with coffee, tea and chocolate. Guess some things never change, not even a zombie apocalypse will change the fact that vending machine coffee taste of ass.

"Okay." I just said, not giving him anything to go on. If he wanted to talk, he could talk all he wanted. But I sure as shit didn't want to be a part of his 'God works in mysterious ways..' speech that I just knew was in store for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neat! My muse works like it's supposed to these days. So here =) I know I said this before, but let me repeat; I am non English speaking, and that southern drawl that makes Ellis so darn cute, is not really what I am best at writing, so the dialogue is accent-less, sorry. This is un-betaed.


	4. Now I can't let it go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll leave my pride,  
> Yeah I'll let it slide  
> And I'll let you know  
> That I lied  
> When I said I'm over and done with you  
> I lied  
> When I said it didn't hurt  
> I lied  
> -Bryan Rice

Funny how you never know what to do or say while you while you wait for the coffee to cool, it did not surprise me that Ellis started to chatter as soon as he sat down, "So." He said, "I heard you transferred back here." And I just nodded turning the thin plastic cup between my fingers. So this is how it feels to be on the wrong side of the table, to just sit and wait for the 'You are a great person, but..'

"Funny how things work out huh?" Ellis said, finally taking off that damn cap. I nodded again, feeling like an idiot, but I just didn't know what to say. "I was promoted," Ellis said, smiling vaguely, "Got a bigger cabin."

"Fancy that." I finally said, my voice sounding small but venomous.

Ellis tapped the table with his fingers nervously, "So uhm.. whatcha doing up here? I mean on the deck. Aren't you supposed to be in the kitchen? Chris is in the kitchen, and you guys work same shift, right?"

"Called in sick." I said, smiling slyly, "Ebola, I'm told."

Ellis knocked under the table three times, "That's not even funny, Nick."

"You do know the table is made of plastic dont'cha?" I sighed, amazed of Ellis' apparent childish spirit.

"It still counts." Ellis pouted.

I took a sip of my coffee "I'm sure it does overalls."

He squinted his eyes and stared at me, trying his hardest to look clever. "You ain't sick fo shit." He stated.

"Wow, thank you doctor," I said with a sour expression, "Can I get that in three copys, one for my boss, one for the general, and one for someone who gives a fuck?"

Ellis frowned, "Spill it, whatcha doin' up here?"

"Came to see your pretty face." I stared at Ellis, amazed to find he looked the same, only skinnier. "No? Uhm.. I came to check out the amazing coffee?"

Ellis just crossed his arms over his chest, waiting. Good kiddo, you learned something from me after all!

"Okay, so I came to request a transfer." I finally admitted.

Ellis looked surprised, "Already?" He cleared his throat, "I mean, you just arrived here."

"I miss pissing my name in the snow, what can I say?"

"Liar." Ellis stated flatly.

"Does it matter?" I shrugged staring down at my own reflection in the brown liquid in my cup. I wanted to say something bitter and hurt, reflecting how I felt, but I also knew I had no right to do that, I was the one who quit on us after all. Or rather, I had been the one to make it official, and I had not had as much as an goodbye for Ellis back then, why should he have an hello for me now?

"Yeah it matters." Ellis said in a near whisper. He ran a hand through his hair, mirroring a move he had seen me do over and over, and I couldn't help but to be amused that I rubbed off on him like that.

I straightened up and looked at him with a friendly smile, "No it doesn't. Not anymore." And that was as close to the truth as I cared to come, he had moved on, I hadn't, but to tell him that would mean to give something of myself, to show a weak and vulnerable side, and as far as I was concerned, Ellis wasn't on my team anymore.. Actually I was the only one on my team, just the way I had always preferred it. Because 'this' was what you got out of expanding your innermost private circles, doubt and heartache.

Ellis put down his cup and looked at me for a long time in silence.

"It was good to see you though." I said pitying him in his silence, because really there was nothing to say. "Good to see you're doing well." I gave him my best 'buddy' smile, and took a sip of my coffee.

He looked terribly vulnerable when he looked up at me again, "So you're just gon' leave like that again?" He frowned lightly, his voice low and soft, "Figures."

I faked a laugh, because in fact there was nothing to laugh about. "What's with the frown?"

Ellis sighed, not laughing at all, not that I thought he would be able to see the absurdity of the situation in the first place. "I just wish you'd stick around a little longer, thats all." He said. My dear, dear Ellis, so much braver than me.

Instead I rose a brow and smiled slyly, "Ellis.. Don't be ridiculous." Ellis sat silently fuming, I could see the anger in his eyes, I owed him some sort of explanation, or an apology. He would get neither. Instead I got up, pushing my chair back, "See you around kiddo." I said casually, "Thanks for the coffee."

"Nick?" Ellis asked, his voice stern, and his arms folded over his chest. I stopped and looked down at him, not saying anything, but not moving either. "Why did you leave?" He asked.

Ah that question, the one question I didn't know how to answer. Feeling most like a blindfolded man waiting for a bullet, I decided to tell the truth, like I had promised myself I would, even if my pride told me not to. "Because it was time to go." I said, not really wanting to offer him any explanation. "Just like now."

"I see." Ellis hissed.

"Of course you do." I stated sarcastic, pushing the chair back into the table, leaning against it. "Look Ellis, I don't know why we even have this discussion, this whole Chris thing seemed to work out fine for you. Then why the fuck do you suddenly want answers to stuff that happened in the past?"

"It doesn't suit you, you know." Ellis spat, "pretending."

That hit the nail, I was wasn't I? pretending not to give a shit, when in reality I couldn't remember a time in my life I felt more like crying and screaming than right now. An odd seriousness seeped into my voice. I didn't care for this one bit, my pride simply refused to compute this, he would not make me admit to anything, no matter how much I wanted to tell him I was wrong. And when I spoke, it felt mostly like it was someone else besides myself. "It doesn't suit you to be a little cunt either. I suggest you go find that boyfriend of yours and lay your shit on him instead."

Ellis just sat and stared at me with his mouth open for a moment. And then to my surprise he laughed, "You're jealous!"

"Why the fuck would I be jealous of that twat?" I stated in childish defence, digging my own grave. And maybe I did give myself away on purpose, I like to think that I did, because in reality, then I was dying to tell him I was sorry, but something just stopped me. This way I could at least tell him, without actually telling him how I felt.

"I don't know." Ellis smiled victoriously, "You tell me."

Just as I rubbed off on Ellis, he rubbed off on me, and to my own surprise I didn't know how to answer that, so I spun on my heels and left. I just walked out of the little lounge room, stomping down the hall, not waiting to see if Ellis came after me. I knew he wouldn't, those days were over. And right now it was good the same, because all I wanted to do was to hide out somewhere and pass out drunk.

Dangling the whiskey bottle between my knees, I sat in the storage area, listening to the radio playing music, and just my luck, they were having a The bay city rollers cavalcade, honestly I was amazed of just how many tunes I knew of theirs. I stared at the floor and the bottom of the dangling bottle, I sorta hoped I would be dismissed for abusing my privileges like this. I had access to the storage, but stealing like this, was something they usually would atleast land you a demotion. And honestly, I couldn't be demoted much more than I already was.

I took a swing of the bottle, and wiped my mouth, laughing at remembering the lyrics, not caring if anyone heard me singing along, tapping my foot;

This is my rock 'n roll love letter

to youuuuuuuuu

Gonna sign it, gonna seal it,

Gonna mail it away

Gonna mail it todaaaaaaaaaaaaahay...hay

I heard laughing, and looked up, seeing Ellis standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, but sporting a grin, "Can I have a drink?" He asked.

I lifted the bottle in his direction, it felt like some weird peace offering, and when he took it and sat down next to me, I had to resist to scoot closer.

"You're an idiot Nick." Ellis stated, taking a sip of the bottle, handing it back to me.

"Tell me something I don't know." I replied bitterly.

"You came all the way here to tell me something, and you chicken out?" Ellis said, looking straight ahead rather than on me.

"Don't flatter yourself." I mumbled, but then I figured that I had already blown it, and it might be my last chance ever to say what I came to say. I didn't exactly have anything to loose, not even my dignity that was for sure. "I did come here to apologize, to admit that I.. uhm.. missed you, but yeah.. Chris-darling wasn't a part of the plan, I admit that." I took a swag and handed it back to Ellis, "I really don't have a plan B, and I don't really want to hear all the angry shit you have to say. Maybe I deserve it all, but still." I laughed softly, knowing how crazy it sounded.

"You missed me huh?" Ellis mumbled, "That's fucking rich, even fo' you."

"I know, I know." I nodded, "But it's the truth none the less."

"We fucked, that was 'bout it." Ellis stated, but didn't sound super convinced himself, he was just trying to mirror me, playing hard to get.

I turned my head and looked straight at him, "No it weren't, and you know it." I said, a little sly smile on my lips, "I love you."

Ellis laughed, not loud and amused as before, but a little timid and nervous, as if he didn't know how to react. "No you don't, you just don't have anything left, and so you grasp for straws." He said, which under every other circumstance would have been very insightful of the kid, but not tonight, tonight I wouldn't have it.

I shook my head, "Out there." I pointed at the door towards the barricades far away. "We were dependant on each other, I trusted you with my life, just as I trusted Ro and Coach, and you guys learned to trust me in return, we simply had to in order to survive. somewhere along the line I deepened my feelings towards you. I had never felt like that with another man." I leaned heavily against the crate behind me, looking up at the ceiling. "True you weren't the first, but in a sense you were, I had experimented with stuff, always hidden, always in denial, always telling myself that it was to make my con believable, or because I was high or drunk, or maybe just bored. And then there was you, how could I still feel those things with all my excuses stripped? It scared me Ellis, but I went along with it anyway. And you know why? Because you are just so damn cute." I laughed amused and embarrassed at the same time.

Ellis was flexing his fingers, scratching his white jumpsuit, just like I knew him to when nervous.

"And so when we weren't in the line of fire anymore, somehow I started telling myself the same lies, not ready to see what it was I had in my arms. I didn't identify myself as your boyfriend. You might think I hated you, but I didn't, far from it. I hated me." I turned and looked at him, and smiled at his blushing cheeks. "So I came back, to tell you that I was ready, that I wanted to be your lover and own up to it." I took a sip again, "But it seems like I was too late."

Ellis looked at me wide eyed, and then to my surprise grabbed each side of my face and kissed me, and I have to admit I had never had a better kiss in my life, it was like liquid fire in my veins, as my sense re-acquainted themselves with the scent and taste of Ellis, my Ellis.

"Ellis? You here?" Came Chris' voice from the entrance to the storage room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter was hard. O_o i'm sorry if i am totally out of character, but i hardly think they'd have this conversation to begin with, besides i am gonna hide behind the AU warning like the coward i am.


	5. Some do magic, some do harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I lost my head a while ago  
> but you seem to have done better  
> we set fire in the snow  
> it ain't over  
> I'm not done  
> how do you say you're sorry  
> and there's nothing to be afraid of  
> \- Fever Ray.

I pushed Ellis away like was he diseased, and without a word I snatched the whiskey bottle, taking another deep sip of the sour liquid.

"I'm here!" Ellis called out to Chris, who in that instant turned the corner of the storage shelves, "Bay city roller huh?" He said with a raised brow.

"I'm their number one fan, what can I say?" I grinned, not about to make any excuses to Chris-darling. I turned halfway to Ellis, and pushed him playfully, "You don't have to keep me company, seems like you are needed elsewhere." When Ellis just shot me a dirty look, I smiled, "I'll be fine, promise."

Ellis always surprised me, and this was no exception, I had reckoned that he would just get up, lecture me on controlling my alcohol, and promising me to talk to the staff chief about withdrawing my 'borrowed' stuff from my pay check, and I would have made a joke about alternative book keeping and Al Capone. But instead he took the bottle from my hands and stared up at Chris, "What are you doing here?" He asked.

I could have laughed if I didn't know I would have a boot in my face, faster than I could say 'sorry', so I bit my lip instead. Yeah Chris, good question, what are you doing here indeed?

Chris looked beyond surprised, "I was looking for you, I thought something had happened when you didn't return to the cabin after work." He shrugged, "And no one seemed to have seen you."

"So you decided to check the stock room?" Ellis asked obviously not believing a word.

Chris looked annoyed and baffled at the same time, faced with Ellis' suspicion.

"Yeah 'fess up Chrissie." I heard myself chuckle, feeding the fire.

"Alright, alright!" Chris yelled, acting like a fucking two year old, flailing his arms in a near tantrum, over being faced with aversion. "So I heard that you two had a fight up at the vending machines at the third floor of the ship."

"So?" Ellis said, smiling "Still fail to see the connection, besides it was not a fight, it was just a heated debate. Right Nick?" He turned to me, waiting for me to agree. Which I did, nodding, "Yeah, it was nothing. I didn't chip anything of your precious, Chris." Chis shot me a angry glare, apparently he had had it with my smartassed remarks, and really who can blame him? I just smiled back in mock obliviousness. "Psst, I think he wants you to come with him Ellis." I whispered, just loud enough for Chris to hear.

Ellis' eyes laughed, but his mouth didn't. "Thanks for the drink." He said, "It's been too long, now don't be a stranger ya'hear?" He smiled that sweet boyish smile of his as he stood.

"Sure thing, cookie." I said with a drunken grin, but none the less I hated watching Chris wrap his arm around my Ellis, and drag off with him, whispering something that was drowned out by the Bay city rollers, how I fucking hated that band!

The door slammed to the outside leaving me alone with my radio and my booze, only difference from before Ellis had entered, was that I was even more depressed now than before. And this only served to spur my decision to leave this place, if I stayed I would only fuck things up, it was clear that Ellis was confused, and as much as I wanted that kiss to be true, then it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge that he had worked hard to get some stability in his life. And who was I to come and smash that in less time than the bus from the station to the Brideshead pub?

I took another dip of the bottle, who was I?.. Yeah, who indeed! I was the right man for Ellis, that was who I was! I couldn't believe that a little turd like Chris would knock me out of centre so easy, I was used to facing way worse odds, and then I just turned away because of Princess-Chris? Nuh uh, it wasn't going to go down like that! I would make sure that Chris would be the one on the transfer transport to Alaska, not me, and if it was me, I would sure as shit have Ellis by my side. It would do him good to get out of here for a while anyway, as in forever.

I must have fallen asleep right there on the floor, because along with morning, the storage chief found me curled up with an almost empty bottle, and the radio still blasting, luckily the cavalcade was over or I would have to answer questions I didn't care to think about. One thing was to be found on the floor with drool all over your cheek and your sleeve, but to admit to listening to 6 hours of bad 70ies disco rock, was just too much to bear.

"Nicholas Hayden?" A voice said, a little too loudly for my taste.

"396-04092, Health and Nutrition team 3" I groaned, knowing that was what the voice wanted to hear. "Sir." Maybe now they'd go away and let me sleep? But alas, no such luck.

"Get on your feet, Hayden." The storage chief bellowed. As I got to my feet and kept steady against the desk. His face twisted in disgust, not sure if it was my wonderful body odour, or the fact that I looked like I had been on a weeks bender. "Go sober up, take a bath, and report back here to me in an hour, and let us talk restricting access, and covering losses."

"Sir." I groaned, wishing the world would stop spinning so fucking fast. Brushing inelegantly past him, almost knocking over a shelf on my way out, wow this sucked, almost as much as being caught in your mum's liquor cabinet and your dick stuck in a bottle. Could have been worse, could have still had that stupid figurine stuck up my ass. A good and somewhat painful reminder that it could always be worse.. actually I'd rather face 10 z-days than ever see my mum's face as she found me like that, again.

Showered, shaved and with a cup of strong coffee I made my way back to the storage room, just wishing I had something stronger to sneak in my coffee, to help the hangover. "Sir?" I called upon entering.

"Hayden." He said and turned around, "I've been looking the logs over, and apparently the only thing lost is this bottle, can you admit to that?"

"To stealing that bottle? Or to drinking it?" I asked, knowing fully well that neither was what he wanted to hear.

"Hayden.." He just sighed, resting against the chair in front of the desk, trying to look important with a pen in his hand, pathetic really. I was sure he was one of those disgruntled employees on some stupid factory who was ignored every time there was a promotion, and who caught the first chance he had gotten upon the new world order of post-zombie apocalypse. And how he was here telling me off with a pen. Jerk!

"Alright, Sir.." I said smiling as sweetly as I could. "I did drink that bottle, but I never indented to steal it, I would have left you a note to take it out of my pay check." I said, staring at the pen rather on the man. "If I would have stolen it, don't you think I would have been a little more covert? Do you really think I would have stayed at the crime scene, and fallen asleep like a fucking teenager? - Sir"

The storage chief seemed to consider my words, which was good at least. He scratched himself in the hair with the damn pen. How I wish he would just poke out his eyes with it, so we at least had something to laugh at. "Why would you steal from the commune Hayden? It makes no sense."

"Honestly, sir?" I said stepping closer, taking a sip of the coffee, which did not taste better just because it was stronger, now it was just bitter ass.. go figure! "Trouble in my love life." I smiled the most camaraderie way I could. "You know how it goes, when you are the one who's the third wheel."

The storage chief nodded slowly. He was in, hook and sinker. "I 'am' taking this out of your pay check though, Hayden." He stated.

"Sure." I nodded, "Thank you sir." I cleared my throat, "Eh.. think we can keep it between us? I mean I wouldn't want everyone to know that I was.. you know, that pathetic."

"Of course." The storage chief said, "I know what it's like. Buddy."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, and just nodded, placing a friendly hand on his shoulder, "Thanks, boss." And as I walked out of there, my smile widened, I was still here, and I was going to give Chris a fight he would never forget, and wouldn't win. I was here to take home what was mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, i was just preoccupied with other fandoms, and RL.. it happens, but i didn't intend to be a month between updates. This is not betaed.


	6. Because all words are dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is there a T-shirt I can wear  
> Coz I am soaking look at me  
> What do you mean I don't love you  
> I am standing here, aren't I  
> Maybe you thought of it first  
> Maybe I get all the praise  
> Is there a place I can go  
> Is there a light to get me there  
> -Snow patrol.

You promise yourself all sorts of shit when you're hungover, and I hate it like I hate those ridiculous New Years resolutions people make. Maybe you mean it when you say it, but when it comes down to action, it's something completely different. I had promised myself that I would fight for Ellis, that I was here to get what was mine, he had kissed me, hadn't he?

But when I saw him in the diner, my courage fizzled out, until it was just a dull humming. He was sitting with Chris, talking, waving his arms around like he always does when he 'really' wants you to understand something. He was laughing, and so was Chris.

I scraped some more mashed potato into the large stainless steel bain marie pan, to serve it to the masses. I turned and mumbled some excuse to the chef and slipped out the back door to have a cigarette in the cold wind. Most of all I hated myself, what the fuck was I doing? Had I finally gone crazy? Had all that killing ruined whatever sense I had left? What was it I had hoped to accomplish by coming here?

"Nick, you fucking idiot," I huffed to myself as I sat down heavily on the nearest crate. Maybe I should just shake this spell, go the fuck home and find a wife, have 2.1 children, live, laugh, provide and be happy. But, what did that fantasy help when my heart did a somersault every time I saw Ellis? If I believed that distance would help, I wouldn't be sitting out behind this crappy kitchen wallowing in self-pity.

-"-

It took me several days of tossing and turning in bed to realize what my plan should be. When it first came to mind, it almost made me laugh hysterically at the sheer crazy. But, after some time, I realized it came off crazy because it was, and because it was so simple that it could have been one of Ellis'. And then, then I knew I had probably lost my mind for sure, lying there in bed alone, staring at the green glowing numbers on my alarm clock, laughing to myself.

The next morning I sat down with a pen and paper to write, and I cursed my lack of interest in the subject of correct English when I had the chance in school. But, eventually I finished the letter, folded it up nicely, put it in my pocket and then left for work. It took me some time to find Gayl, and when I did, I pulled a very surprised woman out behind the kitchen. "Gayl," I whispered anxiously, "I need a huge favour, like the mother of all favours."

Gayl just stared at me, "Okay Hayden, what's in it for me?" she said, her eyes narrowing so that she reminded him of a sneaky fox.

"Nothing, other than the gratification of doing the right thing," I said with a smile.

She rose a brow, and inwardly I cursed at my promise to change my ways, and opted for the truth, or at least something truth'ish. "I haven't really been honest, see...uhm...I need you to keep Chris occupied for the night."

Gayl said nothing, she just starred at me deadpanned. And so with a deep sigh I let go of her arm, and sat down on a sack of potatoes, looking up at her, giving her my best best-buddy smile. "I came back to apologize to Ellis, but I haven't had a chance to even talk to him for more than 5 minutes. At least not with a lot of people around, or me being so drunk I couldn't pronounce anything beyond two syllables."

"You and Ellis?" Gayl snickered, "That is just so crazy that I might believe you."

"Why is that so crazy?" I asked, not sure if I should be offended or amused.

"Just because..." Gayl's words became a whisper as she realized I was serious. "Just because... I can't picture him with...uhm anyone else than Chris...they have...like been a couple forever."

I nodded, "Point taken." I raked a hand through my hair. "I am not going to do something stupid, I just want to talk to Ellis, and then I'm gone."

"Gone?"

"Yeah, as in 'not' here." I made a poor mimic of an explosion with my hands. "Poof!"

"But, I don't want you to leave," Gayl said, hand on her hip. "And I am sure that if what you say of Ellis is true, then he doesn't want you to leave either."

"Come on man," I whined, "Ellis is about as fond of me as bubonic plague, and you'll find some other poor sod to help out here." I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, letting the smoke ooze out as I exhaled slowly. I desperately needed something to calm me, dammit that I didn't steal another bottle from the supply room. "This is not for Ellis, or Chris, this is for me. I need this so I can..." I looked up at her with a sad smile, "They have each other, isn't it fair that I get rid of the ghosts in my mind, so I can move on and find someone too?" Shit, that was low, even for me. But all's fair in love and war...

Gayl nodded slowly. Damn chicks were always so easy when you talked feelings. "Suppose it is," she said in a whisper.

"Thank you," I said. I smiled at her timidly, but inside I did a victory dance.

-"-

Come night, Gayl upheld her part of our agreement, stalling Chris with whatever means were in her power. Dunno how she did it really. Booze? A sob story? Point is that she kept him in the kitchen all night.

And I, I went to the garage. Peeking into the half light, I saw a pair of legs sticking out from under a military humvee of some sorts. "Ellis?" I asked, knowing already it could only be him, I recognized his stupid boots.

Ellis slowly rolled out from under the car, and sat up, fixing his cap. "Nick, what the hell?"

"What?" I threw my hands up in the air in mock surrender.

Ellis just tilted his head and stared at me with his most efficient 'no bullshit' expression. "You know what," he stated sourly.

"Hey man, I just came by to talk," I said, sitting down on the creeper, forcing Ellis to scoot over. "Hey man, this reminds me of that one time in that little crap village, yanno, where Coach thought the stuff at the bakery was still good."

Ellis chuckled lightly at the memory, "Yeah," until his features darkened, recalling the end of the night, him sprawled over the hood of a car and me fucking him furiously, sloppy and rushed, knowing we had very little time.

I smiled, "Yeah, well, almost the same," I said bumping my shoulder against his in a friendly way.

Ellis nodded, and his expression was for once unreadable. "So what do you want to talk about?" he asked softly, hands folded over his knees.

"I could say the weather," I chuckled, but my joke was not met with a smile, "But I would be lying, and I promised myself that I wouldn't do that any more, not to you." I laughed softly at myself, "I came to talk about us."

"There is no 'us' Nick," Ellis said, "I don't see what we have to talk about."

"I'm sorry for all that shit I said last week in the stock room, I shouldn't have..."

I sighed heavily and Ellis finished the sentence, "Played me for an idiot."

"Exactly," I said, even it made my heart lurch painfully. "I didn't mean to offend your intelligence."

"Somehow, I just know it's an insult if it comes from you," Ellis answered sourly.

"Aww Ellis!" I whined, "Shit, maybe this was a really bad idea." I clapped my thighs in a gesture to stand, "Alright, well, I tried. I just wanted to make sure there wasn't any weird vibes, it's not the largest base and all." I smiled friendly, disarming. "We are bound to run into each other once in a while." And then I stood, inwardly congratulating myself as I felt Ellis grab my wrist and pull me back down in my seat.

"I don't get it," Ellis admitted. "You love me, then you don't, then you do anyway, and now you're telling me that you are sorry that I'm confused?" There was a slight accusing tone to his voice.

"I'm telling you what you need to hear," I admitted. "That's all, so let's not dig around in it."

Ellis frowned and grabbed my arm hard. "Make up your fucking mind!" he growled. I realized it was serious business for Ellis to swear.

"El," I said tenderly, smiling at the frustrated man next to me. "It doesn't change anything. So why do you want an answer?" When Ellis said nothing, I leaned in and kissed him again, and this time he was not as surprised, like he had halfway expected it, or maybe hoped for it? I didn't know. His hard hold on my arm lessened as the kiss grew more intense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 5/6 - We're almost at the end here! =) I'm terribly undecided on the very end, if i want a sad end or not.. Feel free to drop me a line and tell me what you prefer, if you want to. Not saying i'm doing that, just would like to know what people who read along think.
> 
> Beta: Goodbye_sun


	7. Shut your eyes and sing to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shut your eyes and think of somewhere  
> Somewhere cold and caked in snow  
> By the fire we break the quiet  
> Learn to wear each other well
> 
> And when the worrying starts to hurt  
> and the world feels like graves of dirt  
> Just close your eyes until  
> you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will
> 
> \- Snowpatrol.

It felt like coming home after a long unwanted journey. I knew his body so well, it was like we had fucked yesterday. The way he would struggle to keep his eyes open, but those half-closed lids only made him all the more fuckable. Dear lord, he was hot. I tried to drink the sight in, sure I would never see it again. Tried to file a picture of Ellis like this, slick with sweat, sprawled on his back on the hood of a car.

"What's wrong?" Ellis panted.

That was when I realised that I must have zoned out. I smiled and leaned down to kiss him gently, "No, not at all," I whispered, "I just wanted it to last a little longer."

Ellis smiled against my lips as he propped himself up on his elbows. I took his left leg and hoisted it, letting his ankle rest on my shoulder, forcing his pelvis to turn slightly. Ellis watched me breathlessly, "I love you," he whispered.

I didn't know if he meant it, or if he said it out of habit, I just gave him my best foxy grin, and rewarded him with a few shallow thrusts. "No you don't," I said, my voice thick with lust, "You just missed my cock." And with that, I pushed in deep, setting a slow, but steady pace. Ellis gave up on answering and just let his head fall back, moaning. His elbows slipped on the hood, and I have to admit that it didn't look like a very pleasant position, but I didn't exactly do anything to make it more comfortable. Instead, I just tried to make sure I angled my thrusts perfectly, I wanted to feel him shiver, I wanted him to moan louder.

My hands slipped on his sweaty skin, and I could hear my own shallow moans, and then I got what I had wanted, I could feel Ellis' muscles in his legs flex, and see his entire frame tremble. He raised his head, sweaty curls stuck to his skin,. Opening his eyes he looked at me, and then down to where my cock would pump in and out of him, not that he could see if from where he was. His eyes fluttered shut, "God!" he moaned so loud it was close to yelling. Fuck how I loved his voice, I loved I could tell that he was as horny as I was. I was not quite as vocal as he was, but I loved that about him.

Ellis' elbows gave in, and he slumped back down on the car hood, but he was too far gone in his boiling ecstasy to care. Instead he reached down for his own cock, wrapping his fingers around it, "Yeah!" he moaned, "Oh yeah..."

This made me smile, and even if I wanted this to last forever, I knew it wouldn't, the pressure building inside would not wait for me to finish pondering over how perfectly beautiful Ellis was like this, wanton and lost to the world. "Fuck," I growled, gasping for breath as I felt a tiny spark slowly growing into a fucking supernova at the base of my spine, working itself up my body, making my thrusts sloppy and frantic. I heard him, scream out his orgasm just milliseconds before he spasmed around me, the supernova hit my brain, and my world narrowed down to my crotch.

Ellis pulled me down with a shaky arm. "Nick," he panted, trying to catch his breath.

I felt mostly like I could cry, the humming in my body, and his voice whispering my name, like a prayer. God, I loved him so much my heart hurt. "Ellis," I laughed.

"Shit...Wow," Ellis said, a little more collected, but surely still buzzing as much as I did.

"Oh, such praise. I can't take it." I said with a smile, surprising even myself as I kissed Ellis, not greedily or rushed, but tender, as were we still lovers and had all the time in the world to taste each other. He ended the kiss and looked me straight into my eyes. I knew what he was about to say. It didn't lessen the blow, or make it feel less like a bucket of cold water, laying there, feeling his heartbeat against mine. "Damn Ellis," I mumbled, slowly pushing myself off him and the car. "This was never in my plan," I said weakly, knowing that Ellis would never believe me.

Ellis sat up on the car, and I had to love the way he just looked like a dirty figurehead, where as I, the coward I am, was already zipping up my pants. "Nick?" he asked, his voice so meek that I would have missed it, if the garage had not been silent.

"Yeah?"

"Why did you have to remind me?" he said, looking at me with a frown.

I knew exactly what he meant, he must have felt it too, how easy it was, and how good it felt. How perfectly compatible we are. "Spur of the moment, I suppose," I said with a shrug, knowing it was the way wrong answer. But as much as I wanted to hold him, just as much had I told myself to let go, that didn't have a place in his life. I suppose that I just had to taste him once more.

"Shit, why'd you have to make me feel so damn cheap?" he asked innocently, covering himself up with his shirt.

I guess I pitied him, I didn't mean to make him feel cheap! So I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. Any resolve I might have had when I wrote that note died on my lips, and instead I found myself running my fingers through his damp curls. "Remember that day we met on this boat and I told you I was leaving? I wasn't kidding."

Ellis hesitantly wrapped his arms around me as well, and relaxed against my chest. "But you decided to mess up me first?" he asked.

"I didn't intend to," I said honestly. "I came here to lie, and tell you that I'd see you around and that I was sorry I got you in trouble with Chris." I sighed, "I made Gail keep Chris away so I would have time to say goodbye."

"So this is one of them 'have a nice life' fucks?" Ellis asked slightly distressed, but he still held me tight.

"Yeah, suppose it was," I said. Kicking myself for not just telling him the whole truth, that it was not just my goodbye to him, but also his to me.

"So, where are you gonna go?"

"Don't know. Home, I suppose." I said finally letting go of Ellis, stepping back, just looking at him for a moment. I took a deep breath, telling myself I had to grow a pair. "I love you." I said, not sure if the voice had just been in my head, or if I had actually said it out loud.

"Come again?" Ellis asked, baffled.

I looked up at him and smiled a little charming smile, "Nope, it was one of them once in a lifetime things." I shrugged and started to button up my standard issue shirt. "Besides it is not worth repeating."

Ellis' frown deepened. I could tell he thought I was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth, and that was what I had aimed for, right? I just wish the angry glare in his eyes didn't bother me so much. I stuck my hands in my pockets and arched my back, stretching. "Guess that's it then," I said, and against my better judgement I walked over to where Ellis still sat on the car hood. "Take care Overalls."

"Nick," Ellis growled, "I hate you!"

"I know," I said, still giving him my best casual smile. "And I'm not sorry either." I winked and turned around, walking out of the garage. Shit, that had to be one of the hardest things I had ever done. I wanted to go back and pull him out of here, beg him to come with me. Damn, I was about ready to fall on my knees and scream out my frustration and love for him. But I didn't, what I did was to make a true Nick Hayden, asshole extraordinaire, exit. And he didn't follow.

In a few hours, when the sun eventually rose, my ride out would be here. I was packed and ready, all I needed was to give my letter to Gail. Maybe she would eventually hand it over to Ellis, or maybe she wouldn't, there was no knowing for sure. But still, I went searching for Gail, finding her in the line to the women's bath tent. "Suppose you won't have to worry when you drop the soap in there, huh?" I said, grinning as Gail turned her head and rolled her eyes at me.

"Did you talk to Ellis last night?" she asked, shifting her weight from foot to foot, because she had been standing in line for so long.

"You could call it that," I said, having the decency to not smirk. And when her eyes shot lightening at me, I just shrugged and said, "I'm leaving on the 6 o'clock convoy."

"Maybe that's for the best." she said, and again she reminded me terribly of Rochelle, I could tell that she wanted to tell me off, she wanted to scream stuff in my face that would make a sailor blush, but she didn't.

"I think so." I said, "So I guess this is goodbye then."

"Aw, Nick." Gail's expression mellowed, and she held out the arm she wasn't using for holding her shampoo and towel, "Come on you crazy devil, lay some love on me." And I crushed her in my arms, like she was the anchor of sanity. "Ow," she giggled, "I for one am gonna miss you, and I suspect that I won't be the only one."

"I made a perfect asshole out of myself, so I wouldn't worry," I whispered, letting her go. "Would you do me a last favour?"

"You're fresh out of favours, dude," she said with a little sad grin. "So what are you gonna rope me into this time?"

"Give this to Ellis," I said solemnly and held out the little curled letter. "I wanted to give it to him yesterday, but the moment sorta never came." She took the letter from my hand, and I jabbed her shoulder like she was one of the guys, "Take care Gail. And thanks."

I smiled at her, and turned to leave, but she called after me. "Where you gon' go, Hayden?"

"Home." I said waving at her while walking away, not offering her a real answer. And I have to admit, while I was sitting on a crate smoking my last cigarette, I looked around hopefully for Ellis, wishing I had done things different. If I had, Ellis might have even come home with me. And then I realised, what was this bleeding-heart shit? Since when would I care for someone's happiness like that? Maybe because it was Ellis' happiness I was thinking about. But I was kidding myself really wasn't I? If I was so concerned about his happiness, then why had I fucked him senseless just hours earlier? "Fuck," I hissed under my breath, and looked over towards the garages. I couldn't be sure that he hadn't told Chris about last night, so I better lay low, and just wait till they finished loading the convoy.

"You Hayden?" A voice said.

I looked up at the meanest looking motherfucker I ever saw. He would have made Francis cry in his sleep, man. "Yeah." I said, inhaling on my cigarette.

"You go on truck 5." He eyed me a little closer, "Know how to shoot a gun, son?"

"No, I prefer handing out complimentary baskets to those undead fucks," I said, not moving a muscle.

The solder, Colonel or whatever he was, was not amused the least. "Smartass huh?"

"I've been told that before, yeah." I said, deciding I did not like this asshole, at all.

He shook his head annoyed, "GRAHAM!" He yelled, "Give the funny guy a gun, and stick him on truck 5."

"Aye!" some guy who was apparently Graham yelled and came running, pulling a gun from his own belt and put it in my hand.

"Sweet!" I smiled as I studied the heavy Magnum gun in my hands.

"And Graham," the asshole said, "Keep him out of my sight."

"Aye," Graham said, and pulled me to my feet. I followed, sticking the gun in my belt.

"What the hell is his problem?" I mumbled.

Graham laughed softly, "Civilians. And everyone else."

"Sounds like a swell guy," I huffed, climbing aboard truck 5.

Ellis had not come and see me off, not that I blame him. The trip back to the base where I could get on plane back to Anchorage was sorta uneventful, only two casualties, and sadly, not the asshole soldier. We did drive through this small ass town where I remember Ellis, Rochelle & Coach was camping out for a little while. It was fucking infected all over, and it didn't seem to have improved when we drove through.

I didn't know if I was happy, or what when I finally set foot in my home town. There was nothing for me here, I knew that. I thought for a second that maybe I should just gear up and get lost in the infested areas again, I felt more alive out there than I had done since. But not right now, right now I just wanted to get wasted, and fall asleep, forgetting his whole damn stupid trip.

I quickly abandoned the idea of leaving and just settled into life here again. Maybe I should admit to myself that I liked having whatever little friends and family I had around me. Well, family is a bit much. I had a cousin left here, but it was better than nothing, and it had turned out that he was quite the funny guy. I spent lots of time with him when I was not working, maybe he knew that I was mooching off his happiness, eating at his table, talking about the weather with his wife, taking his kids to the cinema, and all those other things a normal family oriented guy would do. Funny though, I had never picked myself as a family man, but apparently I was, and I just knew my ex-wife would get a scream out of that.

I was busy in the huge community kitchen, cataloguing stuff so we knew what food there was left, what we needed and what needed to be rationed. A supply would come in today, but I reckoned it would be beef jerky and white beans in cans, like the last 10,000 times. If we were lucky, maybe there would be real coffee. "Uncle Nick! Uncle Nick!" My cousins daughter came sprinting into the kitchen, yelling my name.

I turned and looked at her, worried, "Something wrong kiddo?"

She literately bounced up and down from excitement. "Someone was on the supply plane, he was asking for you, and Joshua made him wait in the pub while I came and got you!"

"What?" I was puzzled. Who could that be? Francis? I didn't recall telling anyone that might still be alive where I was from but Francis and Ellis.

"Aw, just come on!" She pulled my arm eagerly, and I gave in and let her drag me off.

I opened the door to the pub and pushed down the fur-lined hood of my coat. "Bonjour à tous!" I said merrily as I stepped into the warmth.

"Nick." Ellen the bartender called back, "Coffee?"

"Sure," I said hanging my coat, "With a kick."

"You got it," she said.

I scanned the pub to see who it could be, but I saw nothing out of the ordinary, just the same people as always. But then something caught my eye, that cap! I'd recognize that anywhere. "Jesus, Ellis!" I gasped, honestly surprised. Ellen pushed the coffee in my direction and I wordlessly picked it up from the counter and went over to where the figure in the cap was resting in over the bar. "Ellis?" I asked again.

Ellis turned his head, and smiled tired at me. "Hey there Nick, you could have warned me that it was colder that witch's tits here," he said.

I put the cup down on the bar, and pulled Ellis off the stool, hugging him tight, "Shit Ellis...You crazy idiot! You could have sent a postcard or something."

And then he did something which I never expected him to, he cupped my face and kissed me, and it was not one of those peck kisses, hell no! This was one of those sex with the mouth sorta kisses, that left me all hot and bothered as it ended. "I heard you fine," he whispered. "And I love you too, even if you're an asshole."

"Get a room!" Ellen sighed, but poured Ellis a cup of coffee like mine. "That will put some hair on your chest, boy. You'll need them if you stay." She winked at Ellis who suddenly blushed tomato red, as he realised what he had just done in front of everyone.

"Thanks Ma'am," he said in his best southern drawl, and I knew that he did it on purpose.

I reluctantly let go of Ellis and sat down at the bar, counting myself lucky that there had only been like 5 people here to see Ellis' passionate greeting. The Evac centre was small, and gossip would travel fast. "So.. Wow.. I mean, what about whats-his-face?"

"He's not you," stated Ellis as he took a careful sip of the cup, "I don't know..."

I smiled, and for the first time in months it was a happy smile, "I'm still not sorry."

"Neither am I," Ellis said seriously.

Eventually, he told me what had gone down with Chris, and another time he admitted to me that he had packed up the second he had read my note. But that day in the pub none of that mattered, all that was important was that we were there, and we knew who we were. Nick and Ellis, or Ellis and Nick, didn't matter how you looked at it, but what we did know was that we had walked through hell to come here, and now it was time to harvest and just be us. Nothing complicated about that really, guess we just had to realise that we both needed to just breathe and the rest would come by itself.

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done! As i wrote it, i could have written it three times as long, but i had to stay within my own limit, those long ass stories are just not for me anymore. But.. atleast we get a smutfilled ending. ;)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is not just a sequel to 'NEW DAWNS' but it is also after the game, and that is why I slapped the AU warning on, because it's pure speculation on my side what happens next. I admit I have played a little too much half-life, but just go with it. Some might argue that Nick is terribly OOC, and he could be, but I actually do think that he is a deep thinker when he is not surrounded by flesh eating zombies. This is un-betaed.
> 
> Originally posted 10-04-10 on FF.net


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